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Thanks for fixing my hair and fixing my clothes and turning my morning very morning really lovely.

4. “They say writers remember the important things; I remember you.” - Christopher Evan. 

If that is the thing, then every single part of you is important. The way you smile when you are happy, or when you are suppressing that feeling of happiness in you. Those moments when you would just hug me when we are sleeping despite the fact that you don’t want to be hugged while sleeping. Those mornings when you will say “good morning,” and “I love you,” right after you wake up from a long sleep. I remember the time when you first smiled at me. I remember the time when you first told me that you love you. I remember the time when I first saw that happiness in your eyes. I remember all the little things about you, and perhaps, you are all important things into one for me.


3. You told me, “let’s make art together.” It was the first time someone appreciated art with me. The world has always been fleeting that most of the people that I know are too busy with their lives that they get to not appreciate art that often. That is why I usually go to museums alone, and find solitude on how I try to interpret the pieces there with my own thoughts and the few equipped theories I have in me. I have always loved that. Like how I see art as a universal language where everyone can be a part of, against of, and everything else about it until it has become a battle ground of minds, of conversation, of debates. 

You told me, “let’s make art together.” And I promise that from that day, I have told myself that you are special. And now, whenever I look at you, I see art in its different angle. You are the most beautiful art, and what’s more beautiful about you? You are changing, everyday, from one medium to another. At one point, you are a sculpture - hard,strong - and I am just clay, but at another, you are a painting open for all interpretation and you hold people close into your mysteries. At one point, you are poetry, and I try to understand every pause of you, every break, every lines, and all I see in them is beauty; at another, you are an open book, a prose, a narration of everything about you like you offer me your words because you trust me with the deepest things you have inside of you. 

You told me, “let’s make art together.” And I figured out that you are more like a tattoo. You are an art of your own. That not everyone can appreciate it. Sometimes, some people think about it as something not beautiful, but for me, I always see this beauty in it, with the affection it has with its canvass that the skin chose that for eternity, it will be with this single piece of art forever. That you stay, you linger. You grow old with the flesh kept intact of you went through good and bad times together. With how you keep yourself etched in all the pieces of the body, tied to the soul, kept in every breath.

You are art. The most beautiful art.


2. We loved being artsy and cheesy whenever we drink. No, actually, all of the time. You took two bottles, and I took mine. We sat by the gutter, talked, and laughed, and cried. I would see you staring at me, and you would also see me staring at you. Our eyes would meet, and I then there would be this whirlwind spinning inside of me, and telling me to never leave you. To live. To continue growing old, and have the white hair, and the crinkled skin, but still be the one who would grow old with you.

It was also a Friday night when you borrowed my clothes because you wanted us to wear something the same. At first, I thought that you were just making fun of me, but you pulled my shirt, wore it, and made me wear the same. All of my clothes were scattered at the floor back then because we were finding something identical. You pulled the blue-striped polo shirt, I wore the red-black one. You told me that it was your first time to wear a polo-shirt. I kept it to myself that it was my first time to wear something because someone wanted me to wear something so bad so that we would be wearing something the same. It’s lovely. We are the same because we are two fucked up people, but nevertheless, we are the same. We see each other in one another.

1. I will start numbering whatever I write about you starting now. I wrote things about you before, forgot to number them, but I don’t want to get all OC just because of that. So I will start now, like how I will start to understand you more, to love you more, and to take care of you more. You are a strong kid, and I don’t need to baby you, but just let me be there for you to pick up your pieces whenever you fall apart. Just let me be there, to hold you closer whenever you feel like you are being drifted apart. Just let me be there, and don’t worry about it, you will always be here - in the spaces between my bones, in the surface of my skin, in the span of my flesh. You are always here.


Isang beses,
tinuruan ako ng guro ko sa sining
na ipinta ko raw asa aking laman
ang lahat ng aking nararamdaman.

Kung kaya ay pagkauwi ko,
bumili agad ako ng pintura
at isinulat ko sa aking dibdib na

hindi ako halimaw.

Limang taon. Malamig na papag.
Madilim. Hindi ko alam kung saan.
Tatlo, apat, limang tao na naglalaro,
ang gusto ko lamang ay maglaro
ngunit ako ang naging laruan. Ramdam ko
ang pagkasulasok sa init,
ang paggapos sa leeg, ang pagpilit
na paglunok ng kamunduhang
gumuguho ang aking kamusmusan
at mula noon. pinilit ko nalang na ikulong
ang aking sarili sa apat na dingding,
hindi na lumabas, takot, at sa kahit
anong sabihin ng magulang ko
na makipaglaro ako, hinding hindi
na magiging pareho ang lahat
sapagkat hindi ako katulad nila,
na alam kona ang sakit, ang hapdi,
ang sugat sa mga sulok ng katawan,
pasa, at hinding hindi na ako
magiging katulad ng ibang mga bata,
sapagkat iba ang larong alam ko,
sa larang kinakalakihan nila.

Pero, hindi ako halimaw.

Nagsimula akong mag-aral,
at pinili kong umupo doon sa likuran
kung saan pwede akong mapag-isa 
sa aking sariling mundo, sapagkat
hindi rin naman nila ako maiintindihan.
Sa halip, mga matang mapupusok
ang siyang tumutupok sa akin
na para bang nilalamon ako ng silya
at ang aking natutunan ay ang mga
salitang ibinabato nila sa akin -

Ngunit, hindi ako halimaw.

At nang ako ay lumaki,
tinupok ko ang balat, ang baga,
ang bawat nalalabi sa aking
pagkatao ng alak, usok at
ng init ng naghahalong mga laman,
sapagkat gusto kong makalimot,
mula sa pagtingin ng mga tao
na ako raw ay mali, na ako
raw ay isang kasalanan, na
malaking kamalian na maparito
sa iisang espasyo na kahit ako
sana ay gusto kong maglaho, 
sapagkat sa bawat pag-usad
na gagawin ko, babalik at babalik
ang lahat at ako ay guguho,
basag, bubog, at sa tuwing
titingin ako sa salamin, malalaman
kong wala na pala sa mga bangungot
ang mga halimaw kung hindi ay
nanuot na sa aking isipan,
at wala na sa ilalim ng kama ang
mga halimaw sapagkat sila
na ay nasa aking harapan,
at gusto ko lamang na hindi
na lamang magising sa magulong
mundo,

Pero hindi ako halimaw.

Nagmahal ako ng tao na sabi
ng lipunan ay mali, at ako ay hinusgahan
sa ano ang aking nararamdaman
at ang pagdikta raw ng puso
ay malaking kasalanan ngunit ito ang
tanging ilaw na natagpuan ko sa dilim,
ang pag-asa ngunit mali na naman daw
sapagkat ang mahalaga ay ang mga
pangalang pinagdudugtong, sa kung
ano ang binubulong ng mga diyos-diyosan
na ang pag-ibig daw ay hindi para sa atin,
kung hindi ay sa dikta ng anatomiya ng katawan,

Hindi ako halimaw.

Ang lipunan ang halimaw,
ang mga matang nakatutok, nakakatunaw,
mga salitang binibigkas na nanunuot
sa mga lamat, basag na bahagi ng katawan,
mga bulungan sa kung ano ang nakikita niyo,
ngunit hindi niyo ako kilala.

Hindi ako halimaw.

Pero sinta, isang araw,
dahan dahang kung tutuklapin ang
mga pinturang inukit mo sa iyong
laman, hindi ako halimaw,
hanggang mabuo natin ang
mga letrang pinagtagpi tagpi,
na kahit ano pa man ang sabihin
ng mundong gilingan ng laman

Oo, hindi ikaw ang halimaw,
Oo,
ikaw
ang aking mahal.

-Isang Tula Para sa Iyo; Zakk Habitan


Happy anniversary team! And thanks for the free lunch! Yey!

Erotic porn slash rough sex shoot ended at almost 3 in the morning. Shoot went great! Hooray! It felt really nice to act again, and this time, towards my dream of being a porn star. Yey!

Newton taught me
that the gravitation pull
of the Earth is 9.87 m/s2
and he just learned it
from an apple falling
from his head, but what
I learned from you is that
it goes faster than that,
like me going deeper into
you; and even in the vacuous
space, where they said that
there is no gravity, but baby,
you are a blackhole, pulling
me closer to you, leaving
me with no escape, I surrender,

I want to stay in you, you are
my universe, the beauty
in every constellations, the rotation,

the revolution.
I am the stupid apple,
and I don’t know why,
but I just fell.

I also learned that a moving object
will continue moving unless acted
upon by an external force, and vice
versa, but it doesn’t always work that
way because I was in this same old
spot, still, unmoving, but you pushed
me and external forces do not always
push against, because you pull me up,
you are that lovely force.

Another point is that in every action,
there is an equal and opposite reaction,
and baby, you balance the equation,
I am fire and you are oxygen, incomplete
without each other, because without
you by my side,
I will not ignite.

-When we talk about Newton; Jake Habitan and Jasayan Jusayan


Yosi gamot sa sakit!

This is such a nice night. The empty city streets do really look beautiful with the illumination of the lamp posts. The night breeze is also calm and cool. This is what it looks like to still be at the office at this time. :)

While we were at an overlooking in Antipolo.
A: Do you see all of those lights? I wonder how people are doing under those lights. Imagine that each light has one person and each person out there has one light.
B: I wonder about that, too.
A: You know what, whenever you are down there, and whenever you look up here, always remember that you also have a light in here.
B: Where?
A: I will always be your light. I will always be your home.

Minsan, parang ang tatanga at kikitid lang din ng mga tao no? Pilit pinapatunayan ang mga walang kwentang bagay na wala rin naman silang mapapala. :)


I have a very suppportive lover who picked the clothes that I should wear today. :)