I am neither a gentleman or a loverboy,
I am just a kid trapped in my thoughts -
I thought I was enough, I was good,
but after all, I am a fucked up whole,
and all that I have believed in is questioned
for I do not know the division between
truth and fallacy, between words and actions.
-Doubts, Zakk Habitan
There are nights when I just look
at myself in front of the mirror
and throw questions entirely
about my fucking existence:
I look for the things that I lack
and I want to improve them
so that you won’t have to
look for someone else
anymore - no more
no more flatters,
no more anything
because you would be
contented with me, and
all my flaws, and all the
things that I do not have.
And again, tonight, I would cry,
as I think of how wrecked I am,
with all my downfalls,
I am fucked up -
a person no one would love.
Would you love me
purely, without content,
without anyone in your mind?
I am not enough, I know.
-At Four in the Morning, Zakk Habitan
You can’t blame me for being
afraid of losing you, of you
knowing someone better,
because I have grown up
in a world full of insecurities,
and at a young age, I have
already realized that there is
nothing special in me that
could make people stay,
that could make people
love me, that could make
people want me for good.
-Childhood Memories, Zakk Habitan
Pipitasin ko ang pinakamaniningning na tala
at hahaluan ng isang dakot ng hamog;
pagkatapos ay ibibilad ko ito sa liwanag
ng kapirasong buwang sumisilip sa kalangitan.
Bubudburan ko rin ito ng mga panaginip
ng mga taong nahihimbing sa kagabihan.
Isasama ko rin ang mga natitirang hibla
na inipon ko mula sa papalubog na araw
kaninang dapit hapon habang iniisip kita.
Tatapalan ko ito ng ningning ng mga
natira pang mga bituin, at babalutin
ng makakapal na kulay abong ulap,
at pagkatapos ay ihahanda ko ito
sa iyong harapan - sapagkat ang
makapiling ka ay isang kapistahang
hindi ko papalampasin upang
paghandaan ka ng isang masarap na gabi.
-Isang Masarap na Gabi, Zakk Habitan
I am really hoping now that you are a changed person. That you do not simply flirt, no matter what degree, anymore with anyone in whatever way anymore. That you have already learned fidelity not just to have something to brag for, but because you have learned its importance above all. That you have been true to your words and promises not just to have something to hold on to, but because you genuinely mean it because you see me not just days, month or years ahead together with you, but because you see me as your partner, your best friend, your lover, your defender, your fan, and your future husband until eternity. I know this sounds harsh, but this is my reality, and I am hoping, and I am on my way to believing.
You have seen my good side. You have seen me do good things. You believe that I am good. I guess you haven’t seen my bad, fucked-up side yet, and I bet that you are not yet ready with it, as well as with its repercussions. I have a bigger bad side, and it is the worst part of me. You do not know what is happening there - whenever you are not around, whenever I have a chance. Bad sides are hard to kill.
I like humble people. For me, humble people are the best kind of people because they are the ones who can relate, and be sensitive, and stop and understand the things that are happening around them. They are the ones who can see the sparkles in your eyes, or the difference in the way you speak, or the way you move, or the way you stare whenever you feel sad, or angry, or happy. They are the ones who can put everything down to win in love rather than in an argument. They are the ones who can pull you closer when you are trying to move away, and they do that without you saying it. They see things differently from the way other people see things. They see people differently, too. They may not always promise you to be there during your best times, or happy moments, but they assure you that those lonely fucked up nights would be better if you stay with them. They can easily make you feel special, important for they don’t put a screen on themselves that they are better off without you - they care about what you feel. They don’t care who is right or who is wrong, or who gives in or who gives up, or who says and does what. They are the ones who look straight into your eyes, talk straight to your soul, and touch you straight to your heart. I guess humble people are like this, because at some point of their lives, they have experienced things that forced them to be humble, despite of the millions of reasons for them to be proud of.
I am having another headache right now - the one that is like a nausea, or an inhibition of a depressive attack or shits like that. But seriously, my head is feeling really heavy as well as my eyes, and I am starting lose sense with what is happening around me. This is the third consecutive day of me having this. I haven’t told my parents about it yet. I don’t know.
Doomsday. So, weeks ago, we helped Dayn and her groupmates to finish their midterms, I think, film project which is a short film that should be created in just 7 hours, I think, again. Haha. Anyway, it was a fun and speedy shoot! I get to play as a torpe guy who found that the girl he likes is already in a relationship with one of his friends. Oright.
To Be Written
Someone once told me before that it might be flattering and really nice for that person to be a character in my stories, or better, to have a story about that person. I felt thankful, of course, but I doubt what that person said. Why?
It is because I usually write sad stories. To be a part of it, or to have something about you, you would have to deal with the depression I am going through. All of these are based on my mundane day experiences, therefore, you would have to keep up with my struggles to be one. Partly, there were stories about valor and happiness and how the sun rises again, but those were just an inch as compared to the density of the feelings of being lost and lonely and sad in the things that I write.
And lastly, I am not a good writer. I can barely get my grammar right. Instead, I just blabber what is going through my mind, my heart, my system that I tend to spit words after words that are trying to be coherent with each other. I am sorry, but you don’t want to be a trash bag for all the shits that have been thrown up from within me.
That Elevator Kiss
We were from the top floor of a forgotten building. It was around an hour after midnight. Everyone was busy drinking and celebrating with the debutant.
"Pwede ba kitang i-kiss," you asked me. It was cute, actually, to ask permission for someone to be able to kiss them, even though you already know that my answer would be a yes. It’s always a yes.
I bowed down a little so that you can reach my lips. I looked at your eyes, first, which has been an SOP for me, and I saw you closed them as if you were dreaming for that special kiss. Slowly, our lips met.
We didn’t care if there were CCTVs in the elevator because obviously, there were. We didn’t care if there would be people entering the lift, good thing there were none.
When we almost reached the ground floor, we started fixing ourselves already. I couldn’t imagine that we would do that, but we were both sure that it was not because of the alcohol.
I went back to the car and went home, while you stayed there after tagging with me until I reached the parking lot. You bid good.
Days after, you asked me what was that. All I have ever said was, “it was nothing.” I don’t know how heartbreaking that was for you, and for me.
Late Night Adventures
I. We were sitting on an empty street in the city. I bought a warm chocolate drinking for the two of us, and you brought your camera. I borrowed your camera and took pictures of you under the illumination of the street light. I taught you how to do that.
II. We were walking for around 6 kilometers or so towards your home. It was our first walk together, actually, and we were talking about so many things about our life.
III. We rode a jeepney towards that goto place near SaGuijo. Good thing that there goto is delicious and is worth the effort to go there on a late evening.
IV. We were sitting inside that goto house near your place. Your treat. And we were surprised when they passed by, and we laughed for all the shitness happening in our lives.
V. It was raining really hard and I was waiting for you with an umbrella on my left hand, a bag of hot chocolate and pandesal on the right, and my earphones plugged in my ears.
We went to Tagaytay just to eat a delicious bulalo right after we went to Enchanted Kingdom. It was my first time to eat a bulalo. We ate a lot, and the coldness in the area complemented with its hot soup.
We were swimming in that hot spring resort. It was another first time. I was teaching you how to float, and fortunately, it was successful.
The sky was full of stars as we swam on the ocean. It was freezing, yes, but the warmth of our body next to each other while in the water was warm, comforting. I pulled you closer into me, and you did the same. You told me that I was the one.
We went to Batangas days before my birthday just to eat at Jollibee. That was pretty crazy.
We ate a meal at 7-Eleven somewhere in Cubao. That was a pretty memorable spot for me, actually. I told you that I want to eat with you there so that whenever I see a 7-Eleven store, I would remember you. Good thing there are many 7-Eleven branches in the country.
We were walking around the park and taking stolen pictures of each other. We were amazed of how beautiful the place was. We were also running because we were tickling each other through our nipples. Funny.
It was a new year for the two of us - together. We had a delicious Japanese Ramen, and some Korean snack as we walked back and forth Manila Bay. We also had a short picnic at Quirino Grandstand right after we played with our kites. It was your first time after a long time.
We were late at the dinner buffet so we just grabbed a burger at a local restaurant. After, we went into the bar. It was our first clubbing together, and I believe that we were both lovely, minus the fact that after that drinking game, you’ve had to bring me back home.
It was a surprise. Our night was filled with lights as we went to different places known for Christmas lights and the like. We were both amazed by the majesty of the lights, but I was more amazed with you being mesmerized.
You brought me to one of your friends to introduce me to him. The three of us were walking around UST with your hand holding mine. Your friend was so happy for the two of us, and that is comforting.
You picked me up at Cubao because I was as bad as super drunk.
It was right after a drinking session with my friends when we met. You were in your house clothes. It was around 2 in the morning already and I know that you are already tired but you stilled rushed back to Cubao just for us to grab a bowl of lugaw.
We went to a celebration of you friend, and right after, we went back home into my place. Funny for the two of us, we were flirting with each other inside the public vehicle. You were touching my crouch, and so on.
It was already late evening and we were still at Quiapo as we roam around at its corners, looking and searching for things and window shopping.
We were running from Trinoma to Galleria to catch the screening of Shift. There was just an hour of break time between the screening of Blue Bustamante at Trinoma, to the screening of Shift in Galleria.
It was a date. There was someone singing in the area. We were drinking Pinacolada, I think, and eating Shanghai rice. It was also a beautiful place. Right after, we sat by the bay, and saw fireworks exploding in the sky. It was beautiful.
We slept on that mountain in Tagaytay together inside our pitched tent. At first we found it really hard to start a camp fire, but after several attempts, we succeed and we ate our dinner. After, we drank inside the tent and made love.
You said you want to get really drunk. I gave you the opportunity. And next thing I know, you were already crying to me really hard as you compare me to the things that are happening in 500 Days of Summer that we were watching.
It was a long ride from Manila to Baguio and we reached there at around 2 in the morning. We just walked from upper session road down to its center. When we found a pizza parlor and coffee shop, we ordered ourselves brewed coffee and two different pizzas that we shared with each other. I found that moment really lovely - two people, cold almost morning, hot coffee, and a delicious pizza.
We bought the ingredients for shanghai rolls and spaghetti. You know that those two are my favorites so you cooked me that. It was delicious, especially that it was made with love by you.
Dad was driving the car. You treated my mom and dad some ice cream and the two of us a cup of coffee from the 7-Eleven in Marikina.
I was having a depression-anxiety attack. You were comforting me, but I was feeling too bad. The next thing I remembered was that you bought me a cup of halo-halo at Mang Inasal. It was a favorite. And I smiled again.
There were so many people in the ukay-ukay. It was already 1 in the morning and there were still so many people looking for clothes, asking for discounts, and window shopping around at that long lane of ukay-ukay store near the park. We have bought some clothes for ourselves, too. It was my first time to do an actual ukay, and you were there for me.
Six or seven places, I think, were altogether firing fire works up in the sky. You wrapped your arms around my shoulder and you pulled me closer to you as we watched at the beauty igniting up in the night sky.
I brought you to one of my favorite local burger stores. I told you back then that I was craving for a good burger, and we bought some. It was a cold evening for the two of us, but us happily eating the burger was more than the coldness of the night.
It was a failed surprise. Instead, we just hang out at Moonleaf where you treated me with my favorite Vanilla Caramel Milk Tea with nata. We sat at the couch and laughed at my failed surprise.
It was a date at Enchanted Kingdom. Beautiful. Very beautiful. We sat at the ground and waited for the fireworks display, and then, we went to Realto for their last minute show. We were also wet back then thanks to my favorite ride Rio Grande.
Hello CF! Good afternoon to you and your random questions. Haha. I guess I really like my smiles - that whenever I see a photo of myself smiling, I also smile. It is like I find it something really cheerful, as something really happy to look at.
I guess my feeling now is getting worse. My head is getting more painful and I don’t know how painful it can get. I am really dizzy now. I do not know what is happening with me but I hope that I will feel better after my sleep. Good morning everyone.